Content warning: discussion of self-harm
As I have said before, I have chronic knee problems. When I was 14, I had to have knee surgery that removed most of my meniscus. Since then, I have had nothing but chronic knee problems. Tonight was especially bad. We had a storm move through, and my leg basically locked up. Whenever this happens, I refer to it as having crunchy bones because that's how it feels. My knee pops constantly and my hip hurts so much. It literally feels like my bones are filled with packing peanuts and nails.
Unfortunately, this is not a new experience. I have been experiencing this for the better part of a decade at this point. For nearly ten years, I have been experiencing crunchy bones whenever it so much as rains. Even if it's just a sprinkle, my bones get a little crunchy. Whenever a storm blows through, my bones become extra crunchy, and it effing blows. I hate it so much.
It's honestly to the point where I just want to amputate my leg above the knee, so I don't have to deal with the chronic pain of arthritis anymore. I know amputees have their own set of problems. However, I have had days where their problems seemed like an upgrade from mine. I would do anything to make the pain stop, to make the crunchy bones go away.
Every time I talk to a doctor about it, they just tell me to lose weight. Yeah, my leg feels like it's being ripped apart by Wolverine. I can totally exercise on a regular basis. It drives me nuts. I honestly feel like I can't go to a doctor about it because all they're going to do is tell me to lose weight. I've tried, but exercise hurts really effing bad with the state my joints are in, so excuse the eff out of me if I'm not too keen on it because of how much it hurts. I've even tried old people's exercises, a recycled stationary bike, everything. It all hurts. A lot. If you expect me to lose weight, make it so I'm not in crippling pain while trying to do so.
It irks me so much how ableist so many doctors are. They will literally tell their patients to ignore the crippling pain they are in just so they will drop a few pounds. That doesn't sit right me, at all. Why are there not more options? Why is there not a better support system? Is it because so many people believe arthritis is solely a disease of the elderly? Are they not deemed good enough for a decent support system? Are there no others like me fighting for change in these communities? I don't understand. If someone is in crippling pain, why not do what you can to help them? Or is that behind a paywall? If I was rich, I could probably access all the support I needed. I could probably get my own PT coach with a specialized physical therapy routine just for me. However, I can't afford that. Is that enough to doom me to suffer because I can't hire someone to be my specialist? Why are there not publicly available PT trainers? I genuinely don't understand why services like this aren't considered public service. Is it because the elderly and disabled are deemed unworthy of this unless they're rich?
One of my best friends is in PT school. She is so passionate about it because she wants to help people. How can she help people if there is a paywall between her and her potential patients? I have hated the United States healthcare system for a very long time, but that hatred has only grown stronger since my knee started deteriorating. So many people enter healthcare because they want to help people, but because of the system in place, they have to jump through so many hoops to help people. Some wonder why healthcare providers get so burnt out, That's why, They can't give the care they feel like they should be able to. That, and the toxic ass work environment so many of them operate in.
The administration needs to start treating our healthcare providers better, and our national healthcare system needs to be overhauled. There is no reason a person should not be able to access the care they need, especially if it is purely a money problem.
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