Content warning: discussion of sexual assault and abuse
This one is going to be tough to get through. It's going to be hard to write, but it needs to be done. I need to process this.
The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports 1 in 5 women experience attempted or completed rape during their lifetime. They also reported 1 in 4 women experienced sexual assault or sexual misconduct at 33 prominent universities. When I was in high school, a former friend would not take no for an answer. He kept trying to grope me and grab me. Luckily one of my actual friends was nearby, so I ran to her. Everyone in our circle knew you don't cross Lizzi. She was a nice Mormon girl, but that was a rage you did not want turned on you. Her momma bear instincts came out, and she helped me and took care of me. I don't think she'll ever understand how thankful I am for her, especially in that moment. She was one of the few that believed me and listened to me. I tried to tell my mom what happened and that I wanted to report it to the principal. She told me no because of how it could potentially negatively affect him. To this day, 9 years later, I still have nightmares. I still have flashbacks. In fact, just last night I had a nightmare about it. Sure, let's worry about how it could negatively affect him, but let's ignore how it actually negatively affected me. I told my close friends about it. They believed me and he was ostracized from our little group. However, because of how my mom reacted, I was afraid to tell any other adults about it. I didn't even tell my shrink because my mom insisted on sitting in on all of our sessions. I was afraid of how I would be punished if I told them about it. To this day, if someone touches me at all like even a hand on the shoulders, it makes my skin crawl or I jump just at the feeling of someone touching me. I am hyperaware of my surroundings, especially of men in my surroundings.
My boyfriend at the time (now an ex) knew about it. He knew how badly it affected me. When I moved away for college, I thought I'd be able to leave at least some of that behind me. I wanted out. I wanted distance between me and my hometown, as much distance as I could get. Well, my then boyfriend decided he wanted to go to the same college as me. We would spend a lot of time together because I didn't know anyone else, not at first. I've always been able to make friends wherever I go, even as a little kid. Even though I didn't know anyone at first, I knew that wouldn't last. Eventually, I became great friends with these twins that lived on my floor, one more so than the other. To this day, 8 years later, she is still my best friend. Well, my ex became fixated on health and appearances because he began to gain weight, and I started to gain weight. This is pretty normal for a lot of college freshmen to the point it's colloquially called the freshman 15. I've never been thin. Even in high school, I was a bit on the husky side. I believe it's considered midsize today. When he started going to the gym every day, I would go with him. We would work out together. It was all fine until he started monitoring what I ate. It was almost like he was counting my calories for me. He would say things like, "Are you sure you should be eating that?" "Why don't you have a salad instead?" On the surface, this may not seem too off, but it didn't sit right. The tone he would use was so condescending. It was almost threatening.
Then things got worse. He would scream at me, at the top of his lungs when we would go the gym. In front of all of those strangers, he would scream at me. One day, it got so bad, I broke down into tears and had to go hide in the women's bathroom. Then, he kept calling me and texting me, begging me to come out of the bathroom. Eventually, I did. After this, I never felt safe around him. I tried to spend as little time as possible around him. I would spend all of my time with the twins. I wouldn't go anywhere by myself except for class, even then sometimes I just wouldn't go to class. I was scared. I was really scared. He never hit me, but I knew I wasn't safe around him. Eventually, I got the courage to break up with him over the phone. I was afraid to do it in person. That's when his true colors came out. One day, I came back to my dorm and every gift I had ever given him was outside of my door, broken. Every single thing was busted to pieces. Anything that could be torn or ripped was. I knew then that breaking up with him over the phone was the smart choice. Instead of just gifts and trinkets being damaged, that could have been me. It could have been me.
When I told the twins about this, of course, they were furious. They were mad he would do something like that, but I think more mad that they came to the same conclusion as me. I saw murder in their eyes, and I knew they would be lifelong friends. We doubled down on me not going anywhere by myself. They would go to lunch with me, we would get dinner together. I went to classes even less after that. My ex kept texting and calling me, begging me to take him back. Eventually, like an idiot, I did. To this day, I'm not entirely sure why I did. I think part of me wanted revenge. I wanted him to hurt like he had hurt me. Well, in a horrible way, I was able to do that. I cheated on him, and told him about it. He cried and screamed at me. While what I did was horrible, it finally brought one of the worst times of my life to an end. He finally left me alone. No more phone calls, no more text messages. Nothing. It was a means to an end, and it worked. I still walked around with fear. I was still afraid to go anywhere alone, but after a month or so, it seemed like he might leave me alone. Even though it was finally over, the aftereffects weren't. To this day, if someone raises their voice at me, I crumble. It sends me into a fight or flight response. Even thinking about it makes my anxiety skyrocket. I told my mom about all of this. Apparently, he had told her I was going to kill myself, which I wasn't. Even after the breakup, she took his side. My own mother took the side of my abusive ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that damn near ended our entire relationship. I still haven't forgiven her. We never told my dad the full details because we knew my dad would hunt him down for sport. The only reason I didn't tell my dad is I didn't want him spending the rest of his days behind bars.
I hadn't spoken to or seen him since February of 2014 until the fall of 2020 when he found me on Facebook. He sent me a message saying, "Hey Rebecca, how have you been?" How have I been? Dealing with the trauma you gave me. I told him he had a lot of nerve messaging me and called him an effing cockroach because he is. I'm finally happy, and I have a healthy relationship, and I'm finally healing. He is a cockroach because he found his way out of the dark hovel he lives in and came into the light to try and steal my happiness again. Never again. Never will another man treat me that way. I refuse to let it happen.
To anyone reading this that might be going through the same thing, your friends will be your best resource. Do not let your partner drive a wedge between you and them. They will be your way out. Treasure those friends. Lashonda, I know you're reading this. Thank you again for everything you and Twin have ever done for me. I can't put into words how much y'all helped me in my darkest times <3
Comments